i'm kind of...sad.
my aunt left for south carolina today and she was one of the few family members i could stand. good news is i'm possibly going to see her next year over a break/ seeing her over the summer. she's lucky she's getting the hell out of here. i'm jealous.
i wanted to have a borat/holiday day with danielle but she's in lansing :( bummmmer. probably next weekend.
testing sucked a lot. so much pressure to not screw it up :-/ i didn't like that too much. atleast its over but i have to retake the ACT in april. boooooo. 
i encountered a lot of  "what if" moments this week and i dont like them. it makes me wish i had done things i didn't do and not do things i did do. ughhh.
and it sucks more than anything when you like someone but all you do is help them out and give them advice on what  to do about who they like. cause you want them to be happy...but you know it's not with you so thats what makes it hurt so much. 
i wish i had the balls to just blurt out everything i felt when i felt it. i think things would be less complicated.
i need a job. i wish build a bear would call me and be like 'hey come work for us". i need to continue my job hunt cause my goal is to be working by may.
i'm rethinking all of my goals. hmmmm. like college is iffy where i want to go now...i'm leaning away from big schools...idk though. i do know i want to move to arizona 2-3 years after college :) maybe sooner. woooo.
might quit soccer for good, no more coming back in the fall...that's an option for sure. i hate ambush if we combine i'm peacing outtttt.
i like nap time though, i slept A LOT this week. :) so niiiice.
& i really love the killers lately. like a lot. ahhh amazingnesssss.
k i'm all done for now. i haven't updated in like a month almost.

and there's no sense in playing games when you've done all you can do.

i'm so exhausted. it's only tuesday and i'm dead. blahhhhh.
i have a meeting tonight for yas...shoot me in the face. i dont feel like going. i'd rather take a nap.
i have like 3 quizes tomorrow...i'm pretty screwed. especially for physics but i don't really care anymore. 
everyone is soooo tan from break, i'm pretty jealous. i wish i went somewhere relaxing and warm. too bad i was in lovely royal oak where i sat on my butt. fuuuun.
people piss me off. why do people continually make the same mistakes over and over and over and over again?
i have not the slightest clue.
and why do people try to crush your dreams and things that make you smile and happy?
...i think it's cause they have nothing worth being happy for in their own lives except ruining yours. that and they're douchebags.
i'm excited for my journalism article :) it's going to be so good. i'm excited to be on acorn next year too! :) double excitement.
and tomorrow cause of scheduling i get to miss 2nd hour :) yeeeesssssssssss. fuck physics.
my eyes are about to shut for real. ughhh. tomorrow = energy drink for sure. i cannot stay awake for the life of me.
i've had really weird dreams/thoughts lately too. i have no idea why though. they're just weird and blah.
welllllllllll time to get ready to go to a fun exciting meeting where i doodle on some notebook paper for 90 minutes. cant even contain my excitement.
& scrubs is for sure my new passion. ahahah. a little anyways. it's great.
k time to go be bored. 
<3

i hate valentines day more than anything but i'm glad it's a snowday.
i've gotten tons of work done. and i've just chilled. it's been a productive day.
i have to study later though since i have to make up the physics test that i was suppossed to make up today.
ahaha. i'm glad i'm highly persuasive.
anyways so i was thinking about it and i like this snow day better than last weeks. i got a good 12 hours of sleep but i like spending valentine's alone...like not having to see any stupid people from school make out and give eachother roses and and whatever to make single people like myself feel even lower. so yay for that.
anyways i was going through my digital camera and found pictures from new years that i never posted and they're so cute!!
if you have good friends...life is fine. they make everyhing better, so thanks for making 16 years of my life fun and liveable! haha.
i'm glad we're best friends :)

i really am just not feelin' this week.
dont get me wrong, the two "cold days" or whatever were amazing but i didn't appreciate getting sick on tuesday morning.
ew. i cant breathe good and tomorrow i think i have to talk a lot. i have no voice hardly. :( fuck.
i wish i would've stayed home kind of cause i felt so poopy all day then i came home and napped for an hourish. that felt good but now my nose is even more stuffier than before. looovely.
school pisses me off. i dont understand shit in physics and i have a test tuesday...i'm so screwed :(
i found my heart on the wall today and that made my day! hahaha i'm extra lame when i'm sick.
i have a lot of hw to get done by sunday night...cooool. thats what i get for missing school and having to go to dialogue day! woooo.
i really hope it's not stupid cause i'm giving up a much needed school day for it. :-/ oh well i'm taking a riiisk.
i wish i could stop coughing for more than 30 minutes. blahhhhh.
i hate being sick more than anything in the whole wide world.
no soccer on saturday makes me want to bawl my eyes out :(
i've been really pissy this week, it 's kind of funny? hahaha nvm. no its not.
ummm...so this one person, actually two people pretty much lost all of my respect for them over a week's time.
i hate people. i reallllllly do.
i wish my thumb would heal up. i'm sick of wearing a splint and wrapping it. booo. i have it off now. cause sometimes i hate it so i take it off cause it bothers me.
i think i'm done complaining for now.
the office is on at 830!!!!!!! :) :) :) :) :)
extreme happiness to the max.

this week was intense.
-broke stuff off w/eric :-/
i'm just realllllllllllyyyyy not ready for that
- sprained my thumb...ER visit today after school. (it was 3x as big as my normal thumb, very red and swollen)
my brother is a douche. i learned today though that although i'm a real ass to my dad sometimes that i really shouldn't be cause he loves me enough to take me to the ER on his bday and make sure i'm ok before anything else. 
i'm still gonna play soccer tomorrow :) yaay i get to see danielllllleee i wuv her.
hospitals scare the bejesus out of me :(...i shook alot and xrays were no fun. boo. i'm glad i have some relief though although i'm all bandaged up and semi-limited to what i can do.
i had a good hair day today though lol :) i like that, i dont even try but it doesn't look like complete shit. haha.
today made me...happy. i'm glad that you had lunch with me...like i'm glad we're mature enough to still be close friends and not have any real fights and shit. cause i think you're a great person and you make me supper happy :)
i wish more people were mature and could see me for more than a piece of ass or whatever. gaaaaaaaay. i hate how just cause i cant handle a relationship w/everything going on you find it nessecary to completely blow me off//ignore me. sweet shit.
anyways...i'm glad i'm better. this week was kind of tricky and difficult but it's a lot better now. i realized a lot and thats important. some people are more vauled than they think they are right now. my only fear is falling into feelings of last year. oh dear god please no repeats...i'd be scared for a handful of reasons.
this is awkward on my hand so i'll update when i'm not in a splint and bandage wrap.
<3

this week has been really busy. i kind of liked it minus last night-this morning.
i looove my new schedule, it's absolutely perfect. just the right balance so i dont want to die of high stress levels.
but this week itself has been action packed.
community service, meetings like whoa, tutoring, school, homework, fighting with my parents like every night.
seriously; fuck my parents. i hate them.
& i swear...if one more god damn person tells me that i cant live out my dreams i will personally kick them in the face.
i hate being told my goals are unrealistic or i'm not trying hard enough or i'm just not good enough.
i already know i'm good enough. i've always been. and i try more than any person i know a lot of the time. 
i wish my dad would kindly jump off a bridge for me. what a bastard.
i'm exhausted. i have so much to do still tonight and i feel like i'm about to crash. i have to finish reading an article, write a thesis, go to a meeting, come home, finish homework, and the office at 830. bed around 930/10 i hope.
last night i went to bed late cause my dad's a douche bag and i was upset so i stayed up till 11 thinking/crying. i cant take it sometimes.
but 5th hour made me really happy. just cause i love talking to new friends i've made and just not really doing much. & playing bobble head bash was a blast. hahahaha.  i'm liking school a lot more this semester, it's a definite plus.
ooooh soccer on saturday! yaaaay. i miss danielle like crazzzzy. cant wait to hangout with her. :) and kari! ahhhh.
it's weird to think i've been single for a whole month. like, it feels like only a week or so. i almost made the mistake of saying hi yesterday when i was in my good mood. i hate slip ups, thank god i didn't cause i hate him.
i'm so undecided :-/....like.... i don't think i'm ready to try again :( i guess only time will tell. 
where do we go from here?
i really really really hope everything clears up. i dont like crying and being upset everyday...it's sucky to the maximum.
i am however excited for tomorrow :) spending time with er bear. how cute :)

And maybe tonight
I can breathe for awhile
I'm not in the seat
I think I'm fallin' asleep
But then all that it means is
I'll always be dreaming of you

i'm glad midterms are all done cause if i had one more day of them i'd go fucking crazy.
my head is thumping. it hurts. i hate school.
my back hurts too. but only the left side...i think i pulled something. urgggh it hurts to lay down and move. blah.
i'd say i have a 3 day weekend but its kind of only 2 for me. i have an act class on saturday...9-3...ew. but i need to get smart somehow.
today i think i failed my math exam. i just about cried. i will now get the i'm not going to go to a good college lecture from my father. wooo. please grab the popcorn.
tomorrow i am going to get a hair cut. i'm undecided of how much i'm taking off but i want something different. i'm sick of my hair. i think i'll redye it saturday night too maybe.
no soccer on saturday cause i dont have time w/the act class cause soccer's right smack dab in the middle :( booooo.
yesterday was a little weird. i'm glad things are going to slow down though. i'm sick of rushing everything. rushing = bad.
i think i'm going to go nap. i need sleep and to stop thinking. yes. that would be nice.
blah today was soooo shitty :(
lets hope it gets better.

i'm really super duper extremely omfg happy.
yesterday was SO good. i was expecting the worst so it wouldn't be a let down if it sucked, but it turned out to be a lot of fun.
soccer...was lame cause it always is. not real sure what i'm going to do. theres  talk about a team being put together for everyone who doesn't do high school soccer so i might try that? i'm not sure. 
then i went on a "date" haha, it was nothing short of perfect. 
we clicked so well, i was really excited. we basically just talked for 3 and 1/2 hours straight about everything and anything and it was a lot of fun.
my face hurt so much from smiling/laughing and i really cant remember the last time that happened. ever.
he's so cute :-) i cant remember the last time i got along with someone like that. it's so nice to have a change.
i hope things stay this way forever and ever cause i LOVE the feeling. its my favorite.
other than that, i need to start studying for midterms. blah. i'm going to be screwed. but just for physics. cause that's  really all i care about. and spanish sort of. haha.

"i saw the book 'mammal' and as you were talking i automatically thought 'she's a whale!'"
ahahahaha i love it.
&
"balllllllling wow i'm white" ahahahah.
"i'd get up every morning and was like 'YEAH!'"

i like new begingings :-) they're always so happy!

i'm really tired. school is...a pain in the ass. too much work and too much thought involved. oh welllll.
i didn't fail my physics test that i bs'ed so that was a nice surprise :)
but other than school being ridiculous sort of i'm pretty happy on the contrary. it's as good as it'll get for awhile so i've come to accept this.
i'm used to hanging out alone now, that's good cause spending time alone not only isn't hard but i actually prefer it in some cases.
i feel really bad for a lot of my friends though and it makes me sad. everyone has been breaking up lately :( it's depressing. i'm not so alone though and that's kinda nice i suppose. so i've mainly just been helping out with that, one more so then a lot of the others. long story.
i came home from school and my puppy was shaking :( boo i think she's sick again but i hope its nothing serious. she stopped so i think maybe its just cause the house felt like an igloo. no surprise there.
i've also come to realize that although i have friends, there are only certain ones that can make me feeling anything anymore. that might sound confusing but i'll explain. if i'm upset or whatever, only certain ones can change my mood in a heartbeat with just talking to me or telling me a story or something. it's weird but when i look at the patterns of which friends  this applies to it's generally the ones i've just gotten close with this year or have known for my whole entire life. i think that shows a lot about what types of people i want to be around and those i dont. i'm just sick of the lies and bullshit and drama. i just want happy friends with a happy life and that whole deal.
i have so much work to get done  tonight :(
and studying :(
and i want to cut my hair but idk when i'm going to do it. but i'd like to real bad. maybe in a few weeks or next month? i dont even knowww.
shiiiiit i miss you :(
i hate how i magically cant sleep for the life of me. i get these really weird dreams and wakeup at like 3 or 4am freaking out. they're pretty realisitc too. that's the part that sucks. you fucked me up so bad, you'll never even really know how bad. it's nice to know you wont ever get a fuck though. k i'm done with that.
& in a way i wish the worst upon a certain someone. cause you dont deserve what you have. you really dont. you dont deserve friends or people to even care about you. i hate it and i hate you. too bad you dont know it. i hate how you think you can manipulate people's feelings and screw around and hookup with everyone just cause they're available and you are too. it 's complete shit. blah i'll stop there.

i wonder what's gonna happen. blah. i'm curious. all i know is i meant everything i said and i hope my advice did something for him.

anyways thats just about it for now. oh i'm really sick of cliche phrases too. they've all been over used to the point when i hear someone say something i've heard 953725937 times i want to snap at them. it's obnoxious. come up with new material. blah.

i hope the rest of the week goes good, so much is going on!

so i finally did what i've  wanted to do for over a month, i went and saw the holiday with danielle cause she got back from ny a few days ago :) and the movie had me thinking cause i could relate a lot to it. so i know whats wrong with me now and i feel better about it after knowing and talking and now i think i might be able to completely move on and go about with my life like i should. its just good to know this is gone.

cause its not about how many people you talk to, how many times you leave the house, how many pints of icecream you eat, or how many times you try to hook-up with someone new. its about your emotions. cause it always kicks in when you go to lay down every night and you keep thinking how it's all your fault that you're alone now and  what could you have done to fix it. you then replay the whole relationship in your head and you start to see these slight imperfections that bugged you but you chose to ignore. you ignored them cause you didn't want to face yourself with the real problem; you could do so much better but you feared walking away. and the worst part is, as you continue to replay the relationship in your head you then start to wish he'd call or show up at your door and want you back the way you once wanted him. sad part is, it's all a dream and it'll never happen. this is when we realize it really truely is over and you've gotta move on cause if you dont you're only dying a little more inside with each passing day.

above is what i concluded is wrong with me which is what the movie taught me.

i'm glad i'm feeling better though :)

i'm not going to let school piss me off either. i have so much to do and i'm really behind i think but i dont really care anymore. i'll get through this all eventually. nobody is going to hurt my dreams anymore and nobody is going to tell me i cant do what i want with my life and live the way i wanna.

ahhhh let life get better :) happy 2007!!
i already have my fav movie of 2007 too, the holiday. i doubt i'll find somethin' i like more.
next weekend = love. ahhhhh.